I Used To Fear Death
When I was a child, I was incredibly fearful, and overly thoughtful, with the knowledge that I would one day die. I would lie in bed awake ruminating on what it might mean to simply not exist—to not be. And I couldn’t shake it. It was, at times, crippling my coping mechanisms. I would have to shake myself violently for hours on end to fall asleep.
I love life, and I have been lucky enough to have lived a great one—but this fear of “not being alive” has been replaced by a fear of “not living,” a slow transformation for which I am exceptionally grateful. Put in other words, over time I have come to learn that being mortal is a blessing too. Every moment is precious, and every moment is what we make of it. Do I still waste time? Of course I do. Do I still have days when I’m down or negative for no good reason? You bet. But, I also use the knowledge of our mortality now as a point of inspiration and call to action rather than of paralyzing inactivity. If I waste a bit TOO much time, I remind myself how lucky I am to be alive and healthy. This often means I go out for a hike or pick up a book to learn something new. Again, there will be a day when I can do neither, so I “opt in.” I opt to do it now.
Last night I saw an ESPN 30 for 30 documentary on former basketball player and coach Jim Valvano. 58 days after giving this remarkable and famous speech on living, Valvano passed away at the age of 47. That is a life too short for any of us, but in clip after clip of Valvano in the documentary, you see someone deep with a zest for being in the moment; be it inspirational, energizing, impassioned, or just silly. It doesn’t matter, silly or profound, the point is Valvano was deeply aware of how much being in the moment matters. And thus his moments have lasted on, well past his time with us. To this day, his speeches and cancer research foundation continue to inspire and help countless other lives.
You can live to be a 110 and not live a day. Or to 47 and seize every day. I no longer fear death, because I really want to make the most of this life. Which means I no longer ruminate on something completely out of my control—rather, I try my best to utilize whatever talents I may have toward things that are under my control. I suspect some reading this have reached the same conclusion in their lives (why else click on the title of the article?). Let’s just live this life. If I have 1 more day, or 50 more years, I will try my best to make the most of each. I wish you the very same—a life that is well-lived.