I Swam Upon The Devil’s Lake

On turning 50 years old.

On 49 years and 364 days on this planet, my last day before I turned 50, I went for a long hike, without a phone or connectivity. I wanted to think about my past and my future. Where had I made decisions in my life that mattered, when had those decisions fallen down, when had they been aligned with my principles, and how could I do better going forward?

I’ve made a lot of mistakes. You may have too. That’s being human. But the more I thought of them, the less shame I felt. Remorse, yes. But almost all our mistakes come from when our emotional side surpasses our intellectual mind. What experts call our inner, child-like voice. Because when you “punch back” at life, which is where my mistakes come from, it’s because you developed mechanisms to punch back as a helpless child.

Thoughts on the future basically boiled down to two goals: (1) Be the best person I can be, and (2) impact others for the better. From which the following paradox followed:

The only way to do so is to live in the present.

Thoughts on my past and goals for my future lead me to the only conclusion I could form. In the now, I can make a right decision or a wrong decision. It will always be in the now. It’s all about doing right in the now.

Something happened right around then. A deluge that seemed epic burst out of the sky — seemingly from nowhere. One of those that are so strong you get completely soaked, the kind of wet where it wouldn’t be possible to get any more so, within seconds. As if the universe said, “Let’s wash you of all your sins.”

So I started saying out loud what I could do in the present. Again and again. It became a chant because, I wanted to memorize it. Almost a yell (it’s not like anyone was going to hear me; I was the only fool out there).

“I can’t do anything about the past. I can’t control the future. I can just do the right thing in the now.”

I followed with a list. Again rhythmically repeating it.

I can control how I treat people.

I can control the boundaries I set for myself.

I can control how much I get out in the world.

I can control what I put in my body and how active I am.

I can control how much I read.

I can control how much I write.

That was it, but that was enough. Which brings me to the title of this blog, a line from a Cat Stevens (now Yusuf Islam) song “The Wind.” I swam upon the devil’s lake, but I’ll never make the same mistake. It’s 1 minute and 47 seconds, so give it a listen if you want. Yep, I’ve swum across the devil’s lake. But there is no reason at 50 I have to make the same mistakes. That’s what turning 50 to me was all about. It’s a chance to be washed clean of regrets, failures, and traumas and live in the now.

I wish you you all your dreams, whatever age you are. But I also wish you the peace of being in the now.