Walk Through the Valley of Your Own Shadow

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” –Buddha

“Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There is no greater investment.” –Steven Covey

There are so many quotes on working on yourself, on devoting first to you above all others — on self-growth — it has become often cliché to say. In fact, the irony of my writing this article aside, I think it is possibly said too often. There are too many quotes. For years I resisted the message overload. I imagine at some point you’ve wondered the same thing: “Wouldn’t it be better to help others than myself? Isn’t that the most altruistic enlightened state?”

But I have drawn away from the notion of helping others first and then yourself, because you can’t do unto others until you have done unto yourself. Put another way, others will also treat you how you treat yourself. So you can see where this is going, and I absolute believe it now. You are at YOUR best when you have focused first on yourself. And you are best equipped to help OTHERS only when you have done so.

Let’s think of it in a different light, since as I mentioned the quotes are near endless, and even if they were not, I have yet in my life come up with something catchy enough to say that anyone would repeat. What would be the best possible thing to invest in? Your career? Hardly. It is externally oriented. We have all had good jobs and bad jobs. Good bosses where we did great work, and poor bosses where we felt beat down and produced little. Money? That is tragic. You have little control of what happens to your money once you invest it, and even if you are in the small percentage that makes all the news, that far from makes you a better person. At best — and the flip-side of this is just as likely — you only get security. Nothing more. In your dreams? Sounds so promising, doesn’t it? It’s fool’s gold without a foundation. I would argue that no one has ever hit their life aspirations without first hitting their personal foundation. Want a horrifically sad video of someone who has invested in their dreams over themselves? Here’s a clip from an episode of Shark Tank I happened to catch on TV recently — this is really tough to watch (and I would reject the notion of Mark Cuban and the link’s title that this is a “millennial” issue). The issue is that the founder of the app in this clip put all of his devotion into the app, not into himself. Even after the failed pitch, his mother’s encouragement isn’t about who he is as a person — it is externally focused. We can build a better app! If the entrepreneur had focused on himself, rejection would roll right off. How do I know that? Because there’s a previous version of me that would suffer through rejection, and there’s a current version of me that takes it all in stride.

Surely then, if not any of the above, relationships and family must be the things to invest in. Nope — I’ve been there too. If you don’t focus on yourself first, you will do more damage to those you care the most about, because you will bring your own insecurities and challenges to them. Psychology even has a name for this when it is passed down from parent to child — it’s called transgenerational trauma. In fact, much of our trauma comes from our childhoods, passed down from our parents who inherited their behaviors from their parents, and so on.

There is just one person that you will spend every minute of the rest of your life with. Whose thoughts will far supersede the words and actions of any others. Only you. This isn’t an article on how to do that, although one is coming this week, and there are tens of thousands out there already. If you’re looking for one now, I’d start with this podcast interview from the author of 10% Happier.

I bemoaned quotes, so why not sell out and end on one.

“Discover yourself, otherwise you have to depend on other people's opinions who don't know themselves.” –Rajneesh

I wish you all the best this holiday season and in knowing that you indeed can give yourself permission to focus on yourself.

P.S. What spurred this post? I talked to two people yesterday about the COVID-19 pandemic and the roughly four months or so left we have until ideally life starts to return to normal. Both asked me what my plans were for the next four months, and I responded, “to come out four months from now the best possible version of myself as can be” — their responses were so upbeat that I wanted to share that goal with others.