What We Teach About Happiness is Dead Wrong. Here’s Why.

I’ve never met Dan Harris, author of 10% Happier, but I’ve read his book and listened to a wonderful podcast with him about happiness here. In the words of the podcast:

“He tells the story of how a panic attack on live TV lead him down a path of self-discovery culminating in a meditation practice which has since transformed his life—in terms of his own personal suffering, his relationships with those closest to him, and his ability to be kind and compassionate.”

I loved his book - nearly every word transfixed me. I hope you listen to the linked podcast; it can be perspective-altering and make you a better person. And I think he has it wrong. Or, more precisely, backward.

Read the podcast blurb again. “His path of self-discovery culminated in meditation which has since transformed his life.” Now read this sentence. “His path of self-discovery has since transformed his life.”

This isn’t a refutation of meditation in the least. I meditate.

But here is the problem. So many books, articles, and speeches on happiness talk about external interventions. Trees make you happier. There’s even something called “tree bathing.” Regular acts of kindness is a big one, and I’m going to get back to that. Being around positive people. Community. “Positive psychology,” a phrase I don’t even understand. Wouldn't you need to be happy first to be positive? Even the book I have most often recommended, How to Win Friends and Influence People, which I think should be required reading for every human on the planet, has the root of happiness wrong.

So what is answer? Well, it isn’t my answer. It’s the answer of every talented therapist I have ever known or interviewed. It’s the exact opposite of what we are teaching our children and preaching — it’s selfishness. A certain kind of selfishness at least.

We can control nothing but ourselves in this world. And our ability to control ourselves suffers greatly. We all have had childhood insults and traumas (with a lower case t). All of us. Every person on the planet has been alone as a child or insulted, bullied, beat-up, shamed, and generally not nurtured at times. Per psychologist Terry Real “anything significantly less than nurturing to a child is trauma.” And these instances happen in hundreds. And these are just the lower case traumas. A larger number than we realize have also been subjected to upper case Trauma: physical and sexual abuse. Mental torture.

What do we do as children when these things happen? Well, we certainly don’t have the tools or experience to see them for what they are. So we have a neat mental trick. We put the shame and damage into our subconscious. Per renowned doctor and psychiatrist Gabor Mate, “the automatic repression of painful emotion is a helpless child’s prime defense mechanism and can enable the child to endure trauma that would otherwise be catastrophic.” This would actually be healthy if it would stay locked away forever. But, sadly, it doesn’t. It comes out later in life in horrific forms. Dissociative disorder. Depression. Alcoholism. Abandonment Disorder. Anxiety. And many more. Why? Because our childhood selves say one or two things: “why are my parents doing this to me” or “why haven’t they come to stop this?” And the subconscious brain registers “there is something wrong with me.”

So we are all kinda messed up. You, me, that seemingly wise and narrow person you know. No one escapes this. But there is a way out. I know this for a fact because I’ve experienced it. But I think it’s more illustrative to talk about two people I know.

Person 1 spent a year essentially alone. She had to for health reasons. So what did she do? She worked on and focused on herself. What came out of the other side? A much more secure, happy, and engaged person. This after a year alone!

Person 2 is incredibly kind (remember I said I’d get back to that?). She is always doing things for others. She is one of the least happy and least self-secure people I know. In fact, arguably, she has zero self-esteem. All of her esteem comes from external sources: relationships, children, job, and friends. That is, helping all of those people. And again, there’s no real happiness there. It’s deeply troubling to see.

Here it is. All of those things articles list. Trees and concerts and meditation and journaling and acts of kindness, etc. ad infinitum. They are just triggers of happiness for generally happy people. And, to be a generally happy person, you have to first be kind of a selfish person. Look in the mirror and look at your flaws, or better, find a therapist you relate to and trust. The flaws are there, but they are entirely removable. It just takes a bit of time and a bit of happiness. And then life becomes more rich. More fulfilling. More meaningful. You actually find yourself doing acts of kindness. Practicing what I believe they mean to be positive psychology. It’s all there, because it is all within you.

I want to end by saying this. I’ve gone this route. Last week I had a really bad day. Two things came crashing around me at the same time. I felt like the world was against me, and I bet you’ve had days like that too. The next day? I was whistling and talking to friends and literally climbed a mountain. Better in a day. If that isn’t true happiness, if you aren’t the source of real happiness, then I don’t think there’s a gimmick out there that will work.

We are our own griefs, we are our own happinesses and we are our own remedies.