Our Demons
If you listen to the song embedded, there are two lines from the refrain that jump at me, bolded below. They aren’t about a particular person the singer is alluding to. They aren’t about the singer herself. They are about all of us.
“It’s No Wonder You Got Demons”
No wonder at all. All of us are a bit messy. Nor is any of that our fault. “Anything significantly less than nourishing to a child is traumatic,” is the definition from acclaimed psychologist Terry Real, and we thus all have trauma. More so now, most experts add, than at any other stage of human existence, because modern society creates many more of these moments. Children are left alone in a frenetic and attention-swaying world where, for 200,000 previous years of evolution, children were carried by their parents and cared for by their parents almost every waking hour of the day. We all have some degree of abandonment disorder. We all carry it around with us — hardwired into our psyche and manifested in many different ways. Most are unrecognized and subconscious. It takes a deep dive to see why the adult version of you often behaves as a result of learned traumas as a small child. In fact, not only behaves, but speaks in the same voice. Ever seen an adult lash out in anger or sadness? How do they speak? Their literal words are childlike. I have incredible sympathy when I see this — which, now that I have explored my traumas and mind, is sadly frequently when I see others who have not. It’s no wonder we have demons.
“I Can’t Help You if I’m Weaker”
How do you help others, then? You don’t, not at first. This is something I have learned, and learned the hard way. There is almost nothing you can do for someone with their own inner demons, only they can peel back their layers, address them, and find healthy tools and skills to overcome them. The more you try for them, the more strained those attempts will become. The more problematic your relationship with them will become.
What can you do then? Work on yourself. The healthier you become, quietly, softly, day by day, the more likely you are to be an inspiration for others. After a recent podcast I did, I received many emails and messages about the first 5 minutes, when I was asked how I handled the COVID era and really worked on myself. I got curious why this brief segment received such interest. Here’s an excerpt of one of the messages I recently received:
Good day Mr. Spivey, I can't thank you enough for all the help you've provided me. Over the past year, I've taken a shine to your way of thinking and your outlook on things, think of how many aspiring law school applicants share two traits with me: ambitious goals and the desire to abide by your advice. That's the same advice that could, in a butterfly-effect sense, aid a large sum of those applicants in achieving their ambitious goals. With your aid and effort, you are actively contributing to all of that -— to making the world more just, among other things.
So I re-listened. I don’t think the words I said were any more wise or impactful than what I may have said 5 or 10 years ago. But they were more healthy. They came from a much more grounded mind. I spoke with slow, casual confidence. Because that’s how most of my days are now. And because of this health — this work that I have put into myself — I actually am able in my own small way to help others. My personal and professional goal going forward is this. Become a better person. Because if you do, and people take notice, they can “take to your shine.” And there’s is no better feeling than to motivate someone else. To help them overcome. Because it isn’t their demons. Or your demons. It’s our demons.