Promises, promises…

(Why Do We Vow To Change Something About Ourselves Again and Again but Never Do?)

For most people, the first third of our lives is dominated by a focus on the external world. How do I fit in? Do others like me? Did I win the race, play in the concert well, please the world? This is a nefarious, but necessary, kind of existence. Nefarious because it is never enough — our self-worth is conditioned on others. Necessary because you wouldn’t be here to read this right now of you hadn’t learned these skills.

But at some point, for many late 20s, 30s or upward, we turn inward. This is called in academic circles as growth or a “growth-mindset” (to borrow Carol Dweck’s famous term). The great news, per research after research, is we can change. We have so much neuroplasticity that we can rewire our brains to an amazing extent. We can, as it runs out contrary to thousands of years of belief, create new and powerful brain cells as we age. The paradigm that we become hard-wired at a certain age has not only been debunked, but quite the opposite is true. The brain can change itself with nothing more than effort on our part. There are thousands of thousands of stories of this, here is just one:

Paul Bach-y-Rita (1934 – 2006) was one of the first people to really investigate the concept the concept of neuroplasticity. Paul was a Neuroscientist who spent much of his life researching sensory substitution to treat those with neurological disorders.

However, it is Paul’s work at home which cultivated his interest in neuroplasticity. Paul’s father, Pedro, suffered a major stroke which severely impacted upon his neurological functioning. Pedro, who was once an academic, could no longer speak and was mostly paralyzed. As rehabilitation was not readily available at the time, Paul and his brother George (a Psychiatrist), took responsibility for their father’s rehabilitation. Through rigorous training, teaching and reinforcing basic skills such as walking and talking, Pedro made a remarkable recovery. He was able to return to professional teaching and lived a fruitful life. This experience gave life to Paul’s belief that the brain is plastic and can reorganize and change with appropriate training.

This is, again, just one of many thousands of stories but it also begs the question: If someone who has suffered a severe, debilitating stroke can change so much that they can completely return to their previous life, why do we make the same promises to ourselves over and over, without actually doing them? And how can succeed with your vows once and for all?

They always say CHANGE things, but you actually have to change them yourself. -Andy Warhol

Warhol wasn’t wrong. You have to not just change yourself, the solution is more meaningful and joyous than that. Do you want to write a book, start a business, lose weight or get more fit, stop gambling, drinking, online shopping? (and the list goes on and on) DO YOU WANT TO MAKE THE CHANGE YOU HAVE BEING VOWING TO MAKE MONTH AFTER MONTH YEAR AFTER YEAR, ONCE AND FOR ALL?

Here is the solution that always works for me. When I say always I mean when I focus on this — positive change always occurs. When I slip, there is no positive change. In fact I fall back into negative habits. Build a life of meaning. A life that brings you purpose. A life that makes you want to invite others in. When you do this, without question that change you have been promising yourself is no longer an every day fight, are just a part of the life you love.

I can’t tell you, of course, what that looks like for you. But I can tell you what it means for me, and perhaps some of this will resonate. My life of purpose means that I often (certainly not always) sacrifice short-term hits of pleasure and dopamine (such as eating a piece of cake or playing a video game) for things that bring me contentment over longer periods of time. An easy example would be writing this blog right now. And after I do this I am going to go for a run. I could just as easily played a game on my phone, but that brings me nothing the second the game ends. The writing, the running — so many other things — they stay with me for a lifetime.

What this life means to me at a deeper level is that I have people who love me and who I love deeply. I make a great effort to see and spend time with them. I have a firm of 30+ people who I care about deeply. Every day I do work and make decisions in the hope of helping to just slightly better their lives. I average about 4 miles of hiking nearly every single day. I keep a journal marking off things like “did I learn today” “Did I meet someone new” Was I grateful for what I have” There’s 12 of these that I cross off each day. I won’t get all 12, but getting 10/12 means I have added to building this life I have that maters to me. So much, that going our for drinks or hitting the slot machine are meaningless.

James Allen said:

You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as you dominant aspiration.

And so it is. Whatever your best life is — I am 100% certain you can envision it. That is the start. Then slowly build that life. Once you are doing so, you’ll find a curious and amazing things has happened along the way. That vow or vows you kept saying to yourself over and over again, you would finally do. Or finally stop doing. It didn’t take a promise or you writing it down and posting it on your wall. It didn’t take putting it in your wallet or purse and carrying it around. It just hapened. And your passion for a life you truly love simply lead you there. And the best news of all of this — you can start today.